It IS a Big Deal!!!

I've been reading back through my blog lately, reliving the journey, as it were. I've come a long way down the line and there is still a way to go.

When I tell people I'm donating a kidney to my brother, their first reaction is usually, "WOW!! Your so brave!"

I don't feel brave, I'm scared! In fact I really wish that I hadn't told quite so many people. I constantly toy with the idea of sharing this blog on my personal facebook page. I want to raise awareness of Kidney & organ donation, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with everyone I know knowing it's me!!

When I made the decision to donate a kidney to my brother, the first emotion I felt was, joy,weirdly!! Joy, at the idea that I could help my brother get better. Once, I met with the transplant nurse, my next emotion was fear!! It was almost overwhelming. This 'thing' that i had decided to do was a HUGE DEAL! I would eventually be cut open and have to live the rest of my life with ONE KIDNEY!! Oh my god!! What have I said yes to!!
Then, soon as I'd wrapped my head around it, the fear was replaced by a huge sense of responsibility!! Responsibility to my family, how would my relationships with my family be affected, if I decided not to donate or if the transplant doesn't work. The pressure was piling on, I was beginning to feel like I was my brother's only hope of avoiding dialysis.
I had to get some perspective and people telling me how brave I was or what a big deal this was, was definitely not helping. I felt a bit alone.
About this time, I had meetings with both the Consultant and the counsellor. Voila, perspective!! They broke it all down for me, helped me see everything clearly and make sense of my feelings.

Now, I still have some of those feelings, but I don't let them overwhelm me. I just deal with each feeling as it comes up and try and keep my eye on the bigger picture.

I was thought, my brother would get his kidney directly from me, but now I think it may be better to enter the paired scheme and donate my kidney to a stranger, so that my brother can receive a better matched kidney. I feel like this way, some of the pressure is removed and that sense of responsibility is lessened.

This blog has been great therapy for me during my journey, it's enabled me to get my feelings and fears out of my head. I just hope you're all enjoying reading what I'm putting out there.

Inside my insides

Today I had my appointment for a Flexi Cystoscopy at The Princess Royal Hospital in Haywards Heath. In case you've forgotten why I'm having this procedure, it's because 3 of the 4 urine samples I have given had trace amounts of blood in them. Guy's Hospital have asked for this test and a renal biopsy to be done, to make sure there is no sinister reason for the traces of blood in my urine, before they continue working me up as donor.

 There was quite a bit of waiting around before I got shown to a changing room, where one of those fetching hospital gowns was waiting for me. You know the ones that allow your bum to hang out the back for all to see!!

I was asked to empty my bladder before the procedure (which i did about 3 times, nerves!). I was shown into the "procedure room", where a nice nurse and Doctor were waiting.

I sat on the bed, whilst the Doctor explained what was going to happen and that I could watch it on a screen, if I wished. Which I declined.

I laid back on the bed in a very undignified position, ladies, you'll know what I mean!! The bend your legs, heels together and let your knees fall to the side!! As I said, undignified!! The Doctor applied some warm saline solution to cleanse the area, this was weird but kinda nice. Then the anaesthetic jelly was applied, this was very uncomfortable, quick but uncomfortable.

Then the dreaded camera was inserted into my urinary passage and into the bladder, this wasn't that bad at all. It felt strange and unpleasant but it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd thought it would be. I looked to the left where the screen was, and there in glorious technicolor was the inside of my bladder. As the Doctor moved the camera around, I saw both holes that lead to each kidney, one on the left and one on the right. I saw that my bladder was a light pink colour, you couldn't really make out the shape, as the camera moves so quickly.

The whole procedure took about 5 minutes, the doctor said that everything looked good and there were no abnormalities. BRILLIANT!!

Once, they were finished, I was dying for the loo. The Doctor had warned me that I may have a stinging or burning sensation when I passed water, which I was prepared for. I was not however, prepared for what happened next!

Now usually when you have a wee, the urine is warm as it's been sitting inside you for however long. My wee was icy cold! It was the strangest sensation ever. It gave me a little shock, I can tell ya!
My wee was cold because they flush water into the bladder whilst having a look around, to make it easier for the Doctor to manouvre the camera.

I now have to drink plenty of water, a cup an hour is recommended, to ease passing urine, as it does sting somewhat. There is a small chance I could develop a bladder infection, but the Doctor assures me that if I drink plenty of water and go to the toilet when needed, instead of holding it, I should be fine.

I am so glad that procedure is out of the way. I have one more invasive test to have, which is the renal biopsy but I am still waiting for an appointment for that.

So until next time...

P.S. Feel free to share this blog with your friends, I want to raise as much awareness for the process of Kidney donation as possible. I have a facebook page as well which can be found at My Brother, My Kidney And I.

Thanks again for reading.