It IS a Big Deal!!!

I've been reading back through my blog lately, reliving the journey, as it were. I've come a long way down the line and there is still a way to go.

When I tell people I'm donating a kidney to my brother, their first reaction is usually, "WOW!! Your so brave!"

I don't feel brave, I'm scared! In fact I really wish that I hadn't told quite so many people. I constantly toy with the idea of sharing this blog on my personal facebook page. I want to raise awareness of Kidney & organ donation, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with everyone I know knowing it's me!!

When I made the decision to donate a kidney to my brother, the first emotion I felt was, joy,weirdly!! Joy, at the idea that I could help my brother get better. Once, I met with the transplant nurse, my next emotion was fear!! It was almost overwhelming. This 'thing' that i had decided to do was a HUGE DEAL! I would eventually be cut open and have to live the rest of my life with ONE KIDNEY!! Oh my god!! What have I said yes to!!
Then, soon as I'd wrapped my head around it, the fear was replaced by a huge sense of responsibility!! Responsibility to my family, how would my relationships with my family be affected, if I decided not to donate or if the transplant doesn't work. The pressure was piling on, I was beginning to feel like I was my brother's only hope of avoiding dialysis.
I had to get some perspective and people telling me how brave I was or what a big deal this was, was definitely not helping. I felt a bit alone.
About this time, I had meetings with both the Consultant and the counsellor. Voila, perspective!! They broke it all down for me, helped me see everything clearly and make sense of my feelings.

Now, I still have some of those feelings, but I don't let them overwhelm me. I just deal with each feeling as it comes up and try and keep my eye on the bigger picture.

I was thought, my brother would get his kidney directly from me, but now I think it may be better to enter the paired scheme and donate my kidney to a stranger, so that my brother can receive a better matched kidney. I feel like this way, some of the pressure is removed and that sense of responsibility is lessened.

This blog has been great therapy for me during my journey, it's enabled me to get my feelings and fears out of my head. I just hope you're all enjoying reading what I'm putting out there.