Potential Spanner....

On Thursday I went to the Kidney unit for some blood and urine tests, basically renewing the tests i did last year.

Should get my blood results next week, but the nurse was able to test my urine sample whilst I was there. Now, when i did this test last year, there were trace amounts of blood in my urine, but we thought this was due to it also being the tail end of my time of the month. This time when she tested it there were trace amounts of both blood and protein. I didn't have my time of the month this time round. The nurse went on to tell me that i would need to come back in a fortnight and have another urine test and if there are trace amounts of blood in that sample then I need to have cystoscopic examination and/or a Renal biopsy.

 A cystoscopic exam involves a cystoscope, a thin tube with a tiny camera on the end, being inserted through the urethra (OUCH!!) to take pictures of the inside of the bladder.
The Renal Biopsy involves a special hollow needle being pushed through the skin and muscle into the kidney tissue to obtain a small sample from the kidney. Cells from the kidney can then be looked at in detail.

These tests will hopefully make sure that these traces of blood are not coming from either my kidneys or my bladder. I'm told that this is a pretty common occurrence and nothing to worry about.

However, like most things that we are told NOT to do we go right ahead and do the opposite. So, yes, I am worrying about it. I'm not particularly worried that they'll find something wrong with me, I'm more concerned that they will find something that prevents me from donating.

Now this chain of events, has kinda hit me like a tonne of bricks. If it didn't feel real before, it certainly does now and for the first time I actually feel really scared.

What if I can't donate? How will I feel about that? The question that really gets me, the question that the transplant nurse keeps telling me to think about is, How will I feel if my brothers body rejects my kidney? I thought about this a couple of times before Thursday and didn't think I could answer it now. But the truth is IF this doesn't work, I'll feel that I have let my family down, I'll have a scar to remind me of how i tried but failed to help my brother, what will it do to my relationships with my family, what will it do to my brother.

I kinda wish now, that I hadn't told so many people, cos whilst their support is greatly appreciated and their interest is moving. I get asked about it a lot now, and part of me wishes they'd stop asking, cos with every question they ask, that's something else I have to think about and the pressure increases. At the same time though, talking about it does help. I can't have both!

I do worry, that due to my sensitive and over-analytical nature, that when it comes to the counselling session, I will mess it up by breaking down, when they ask me that dreaded question, "How will I feel if the transplant doesn't take?" At the end of the day, this is my brother we are talking about, of course I will take it hard if it doesn't work and I'm not about to lie to the counsellor and say "yeah, sure it'll be a bummer but hey, at least I tried!"

Tomorrow I have my Renal ultrasound, which is already proving problematic, as i have to have a full bladder for the exam and I currently have a really tickly cough which is playing havoc with my bladder control!! So fingers crossed I can keep the cough under control for the hour before the exam. Wish me luck.