Let's talk

Well the appointment I've been sort of dreading has finally arrived. Seeing the Renal Counsellor!

The appointment is on Tuesday 11th September, after I've seen the Consultant.

My appointment with the consultant is first, so when I see the counsellor a couple hours later, I should be furnished with all the information on my particular case.

I have this weird thing, that whenever I talk about my feelings, I get all emotional. Now I'm sure the counsellor's office is the right place to do that but I'm worried that it'll come across as me not being ready or not strong enough to cope with emotional aspects of the surgery and donation etc.

This is also the time when I'll have to discuss the dreaded question "how will you feel if the surgery doesn't work?" A question I have agonized over and probably thought more about than the procedure itself. How WILL I feel? How will I feel when this amazing thing I'm doing doesn't work? Even now, that question makes me feel physically sick. I've been making jokes and trying to keep the whole thing light because it just makes it easier for me to get my head around.

The surgery itself, may not take place for a while yet, as my brother still has fairly decent kidney function and they don't tend to perform the surgery unroll he absolutely needs it. The best way to explain it is that, you don't put new batteries in your TV remote until the current ones stop working, and that's kinda the same for kidney transplants. However, it's a fine balancing act, the timing has to be just right, as they obviously wanna give my brother the best chance.

I've seen counsellor's before, and talking to a stranger about my issues didn't really phase me too much - it a lot of ways it was kind of easier. However, the idea of talking to a stranger about kidney donation, my brother, my family, my feelings etc does sort of scare me - I guess because there is a lot riding on this as she will fill out a report assessing whether or not I am mentally and emotionally stable enough to do this!!